Liner Guard Gorilla

By · Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Liner Guard Gorilla

Here in Alabama, there are three classes of people: the Alabama Crimson Tide fans, Auburn Tiger fans, and atheists. Two of the three will go to hell when they die. What two depends entirely on who you ask.

Alabama residents who like football, but have no particular team preference are called "agnostics." It is the hope of the faithful that someday these poor, pathetic souls will purchase an Alabama jacket or be subject to an Auburn cap and thereby experience the joy committing to a particular computer. Until then, social and recreational activities are considered outcasts. To pray for them is all we can do.

Why are all religious references in a column that is supposed to be about football? Because religion and football are closely entwined, my friend, with much more in common than you think. Consider this passage from the Playbook Grande St. Gipper, recently discovered in a dark cellar on the campus of the University of Notre Dame.

The passage reads: "And on the seventh day God created football and all was good in the world … until Satan gave birth to the officials …"

It is impossible to believe in college football without believing in a Higher Power. Here in Alabama – and a lot of other places – football is a religion. For some, it is the only religion. Blasphemy, you say? I do not think so. More prayers are said and answered during the game of college football on average most of the churches for a month of Sundays. That explains why evangelists love to hold revivals in football stadiums. The environment has already been established. The congregation has season tickets.

Consider this: Alabama has been getting a lot of national press lately because of two things:

    (1) The quality (or lack thereof) of the University of Alabama football team and (2 Moral) is taking and legal battles being waged in Alabama by the separation of church and the state. Football and religion. Religion and football. And we will.

Playing God in Alabama offense are people like high school students who walked out of class because they were not allowed a moment of prayer before a math test. Personally, I prefer that my teenage children to pray in classrooms school to sing rap songs and riding a noisy car. I think these young people are limited, however. When I was in school we prayed before EVERY test, not just math.

Then there's Judge Roy Moore, one of the team captains of God, if you will. Moore is the Alabama judge who has a plaque from Ten Commandments hanging on the wall of his room. The Supreme Court has ordered the board to be shot down, but our beloved governor, Fob "I am the law in these passages" James has said he is sending National Guard to ensure that the board remains on top. You can call this by strengthening the defense.

Which brings us to another question: If Alabama is separated from the Union because the ACLU and the oppression of the NCAA, you have to do this project our king? If so, I think that is reason enough to be separated. King Fob. Sounds like a giant gorilla with a speech impediment, is not it.

Returning to the topic at hand, I think the view that football has become a religion of good faith is attested by the fact that nobody has tried to push a legal lever between organized religion and college football organized. Perhaps they realize the futility of their efforts would be. Or maybe you just are afraid of divine retribution. I understand Bear Bryant and Shug Jordan were not men which passed while they were here on earth. God forbid some heretic ACLU lawyer upset them.

When the Universities of Alabama and Auburn play one another as they did last week, the fall of the faithful what they're doing and flock to the game as the wise men chasing a distant star. Statewide stops. Try to find a washing machine repairman or an emergency physician during an Alabama / Auburn game. They are nowhere to be found. You can die in the dirty clothes, but that is what you get for not attending the big game.

The end of this year's Iron Bowl was as always, of apocalyptic proportions. In the final moments of the game, just before the buzzer sounded to signal the end, the faith of everyone tested. When the clock struck down – 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … Alabama devotees who were or had given their lives entirely to Auburn.

There was not an "atheist" section in these positions.


Tim Knox, Entrepreneur, Author, Speaker, Radio Host Founder, The Insiders Club, Giving You The Power To Start Your Business Today Bestselling Author of: “Everything I Know About Business I Learned From My Mama”

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